Is That a Bluetooth/Happy Birthday Morgan!

Is that a Bluetooth? This is the question I get most often in public places about my daughter's hearing aids.  I know if I left them off I could get my grocery shopping done a little faster, I wouldn't have to smile and say "No, they're hearing aids. Yes, she's deaf. No, she doesn't sign, she's 11 months old, although I do sign to her. We will be getting cochlear implants. Yes, I am aware that some members of the Deaf community would frown on my choice. No, she can't hear much of anything, even you saying "hi", she's profoundly deaf. Have a nice day. Yes, I prefer the French feta to the American, and those cookies are fantastic."

I don't mind the conversations, or the looks, or even the silly jokes about Bluetooths on babies too much. Although sometimes I feel like we are ambassadors for deaf and hard of hearing babies. People are not used to seeing babies with hearing aids on, I completely understand that. I would have been the first one to stare and say awkward things before I had my daughter. In fact, I think explaining it to strangers might be helping me process the whole thing.
Now that we have a date set for her cochlear implant surgery I know it's going to get even more intense. The external part of the implants look like big hearing aid with an additional piece that goes to the "coil" which sticks on the side of her head with the aid of a magnet on the internal piece. It can be startling and intriguing to see someone with one on for the first time. I am sure that there will be many "Bluetooth" conversations in my future about her implants. It is difficult sometimes to remain open and friendly with strangers when discussing something so new and personal.
 It has been difficult to come to terms with Morgan's deafness. The surprise of it alone is a shock to the system and then there is the education afterwards, and the questions you ask yourself; Why is she deaf? How bad is the hearing loss? What to we do to help ourselves adjust so that we can be the best parents to her that we can and provide everything she may need now, and in the future? What will Morgan think of our decisions as she grows up? What if we make a mistake? These are just a few of the questions that keep me up at night.
Some of these questions one is confronted with upon the birth of any child, whether they can hear or not, and some are more specific. Should we learn sign? Get implants? What about the people who don't agree with my decisions? One thing you find out quickly is that all of your choices now are political, communication methods for the Deaf/deaf are a matter of heated debate and even strangers feel compelled to offer their opinion, or someone else's for example "You're getting implants for her? You know Deaf people would consider her a traitor." Yes, someone really said that to me, how they would know what all Deaf people would think is beyond me, but that's another rant.  The more important questions to me are not about what others will think but what will be best for Morgan. Our reason for getting the implant is simple, if she doesn't want to listen or talk later she will have the choice, but we will never have this window of opportunity for her to acquire natural spoken language and listening skills again. The truth is all parents want to communicate with their children in the manner that is most comfortable for them, we will learn and use ASL with her as well but I think giving her the chance to hear and speak is a wonderful thing.
The adjustment so far hasn't been easy. I will say that when I tried to act as though I wasn't sad, the worse my grief seemed to get. These things are all true; she is special, perfect as she is, and everything is okay. However, the process of acceptance does not happen overnight. The more I tried to force it the worse I felt.  Something clicked for me when Morgan began to have trouble falling asleep. When Brigid went through the same thing I knew she needed to work it out for herself, I didn't let her "Cry It Out" but I also didn't coddle her. It was hard but I knew we were doing the right thing. She learned how to access sleep on her own and is a happier, more self-reliant little girl as a result. When it was Morgan's turn I became insecure and doubtful, I was scared I would do permanent damage to her somehow if I did the same thing as with Brigid. Our Auditory-Verbal Therapist put it to me this way "You have to decide if you are going to treat her differently because she's deaf, or not." That hit me hard, I hadn't even realized I was doing it, but I was doing exactly that. I was scared that because she was deaf she would not connect with me the same way Brigid did. We will not be treating Morgan differently, we will treat her with the same love, and the same respect for her process of becoming herself that growing up will give her as her big sister, and it started with letting her learn to fall asleep on her own. She is now a wonderful self-soother, and I am a bit more aware of my own well-meaning prejudice, and confident in my own inner parent, and in her. 
Now with our surgery date looming I find myself exited, scared, and a bit anxious about our future. How will she do during the surgery? how will she heal? I am starting a new job six days after the surgery, how will I adapt to being away from her? how will she adapt to daycare, especially right after surgery? will she react well to her new hearing and keep her processors on? As of right now she pulls her hearing aids off and sticks them in her mouth 10 times a day, but they don't do much for her so there's no real "reward" for having them on as far as she's concerned.
Morgan is a phenomenal little girl, beautiful, and funny. She brought a sweetness with her when she came to us that is indescribable. I know there will be more challenges, more adjustments, more growth, surrender, and change to come but as we approach Morgan's first birthday and surgery I know that nothing will be like this first year ever again. We have all been brought together and guided through this difficult time by a Grace that I know carries us all still.

Happy Birthday Morgan, we're so glad you could join us.